Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are

My what?

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head

One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.

Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.

Fantasy? Doctor Strange.

Sleep aid? Eternals.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me

This is a true ally.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this