I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
You Might Also Like
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.