Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

[inventing that little handle inside the car]

engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?

Me: I saw the sign

F: …

Me: And it opened up my eyes

F: Oh no.

Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN

Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G

After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.