Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle