Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A roof is a house hat.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”

Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows

saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber

Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now

olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here

Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?

My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.

Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.

Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?

Leave this on his windshield.

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Dolls on drugs

If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.

Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are

Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

To all newly married guys…..

If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.