Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

how to have an accident 101

Narrator: they had a son born in 2001

Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority

[creation of spinach]

God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.

Angel: Is everything okay at home?

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

WHAT DO WE WANT?

A NAP!!

THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?

No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.

Me: Mum was I adopted?

Mum: Yes, but they gave you back

[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]

Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—

Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.

Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish

Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else

PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-

ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.

PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.

ME: *gasps* How can you tell?

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”

federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes

There is wisdom there.

Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Me: How was school?

6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?

Me: …because I want to know.

6: That’s not a very good reason.

wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.