Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

*adds Doritos to wedding registry*

mentally somewhere in italy

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.

Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.

I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm