I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
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dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
#NeverForget
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?