I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
This 4th of July, please remember…
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!