I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
