Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?

*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

about to have the best blueberries of my life

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

*opens present

HER: What is this?

ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.

HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.