Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?

me:

Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.

Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

ugh not again

If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

mood

[ first day in funeral home ]

me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

I come from a long line of ancestors. My whole family tree is full of ancestors, every single branch. But not me. I decided to make a change. I’m a descendant. Never let the past hold you back.