I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
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Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying