@LoveNLunchmeat

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

You Might Also Like

@krisv_723

When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

@MongooseMayhem

Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.

@carterhambley

subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog

@GingaSnapppa

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

@GrantTanaka

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

@notjustblondee

“Previously on-”

First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours

@mommajessiec

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:

Me: *looks at phone*

Husband: What are you up to?

@KeetPotato

this is the worst weather ive ever seen
“what about when the wind had sharks in it?”
that was a movie dad
“oh excuse me weather expert”

@primawesome

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.