I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.


Let’s play hide and sex. I mean seek. Damn it. Seek. Unless you’re okay with hide and sex. I’ll meet you in the hall closet in one minute.


subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog


I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.


Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok


“Previously on-”

First of all, I’ve been watching for ten straight hours



Me: *looks at phone*

Husband: What are you up to?


this is the worst weather ive ever seen
“what about when the wind had sharks in it?”
that was a movie dad
“oh excuse me weather expert”


It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.