@LoveNLunchmeat

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

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@dafloydsta

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

@slackerjorge

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

@better_off_dad2

*in bed*

Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’

Me: ‘How do you know??’

Her: ‘You live next door.’

@IvoryGazelle

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

@aparnapkin

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

@UGotMeRight

You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.

@Marlebean

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!