I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

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Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.


In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story


*in bed*

Her: ‘You’re drunk again.’

Me: ‘How do you know??’

Her: ‘You live next door.’


8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!


Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way


You can catch a decent buzz from smoking catnip but don’t be surprised if you wake up on top of the fridge.


Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!