I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
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My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
They grow up so quick
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym