I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
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Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing