I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
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Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
This kid will have a bright future.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog