I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*