I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.