I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
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My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.