I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
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My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
my astrological sign is a french fry
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
