i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
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After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.