i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
You Might Also Like
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
They did not think through this water fountain
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
#FunnyLife Insects
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself