I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
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*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
Twitter fine art
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
long lost
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Buying a well is money well spent.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe