I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun