Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

I don’t make the rules sorry

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.

Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.

Lmao

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell

[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park

My husband is a keeper.

No, that’s not the word.

Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!

Son: Aw I wanted candy

Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.