Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

I hope it’s French Onion!

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.

Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”