Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode

optimus prime: i can only do “truck”

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day

WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit

ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?

ME: Help! Boa constrictor!

BOA: Actually, I’m a python.

ME: Help! Boa contradictor!

It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.

“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.