I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
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Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
How is it still this week?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.