I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
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Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??