I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
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People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about