I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
You Might Also Like
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
The fall of Netflix
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Sunday
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
The Wolf of Wall Street.