I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I’d use my best pan on you.