I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
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SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
How wrong was this guy?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community