Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.

Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”

“Hey. My eye is up here.”

– hurricanes

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”

Me:

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no