Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is

CDC: please don’t

Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’

Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’

16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘

Me: *slam

he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!

ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

Making friends was so much easier as a kid.

5: This is the smallest finger I have.

Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!

Both: (giggle)

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Meme Monday.

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

me: everything has bluetooth these days

dentist: no ya that’s not normal