Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

not holding the door for the person right behind you and letting it slam onto them: objectively inconsiderate and so easy to avoid

holding the door for someone who’s like 30 feet away: a blatant act of terrorism

Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out

I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?

ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”

DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.

Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.

Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*