Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,

..today i bought a 5lb bag.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency

If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.

Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.

I was 12.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.

#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

This could be us, but you weedin’.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…

So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me