I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.