Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.

[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*