I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
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If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Who called it beef chow mein and not moodles?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”