I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids: