Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

What do you hear?

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kids

Kids are such fast learners these days

Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off

It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

HER: I wanna be your everything.

ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.

HER: No, not like-

ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.

Yes

When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.

Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!

Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.

Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..

Uh oh…..

I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE

*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.

2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.

3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!

4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!

My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!

Introducing new iPhone 5 features:

– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.