I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Smile they said.
