I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
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Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Brb my Sims are getting married
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”