I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
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My blood type is b hungry.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
*mops up wine with cat*
✌️
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
