I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
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What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
adding to the discourse
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Doctors texting each other.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
hmm conte-me mais
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.