I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
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My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Some people were born into their job.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. They’re the only ones who get my references.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.