[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
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Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I drew y’all a little something.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)