I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#Caturday
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.