Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.

My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.

her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?

schrödinger: yes and no

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?

[I get called in 10 minutes later]

Hold on, let me finish this article.

I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now

Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?

Sundae school.

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

The glory of fall.