I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)