Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

2 years later

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.

something like this could probably happen to anyone

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.

Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES

Also me: is 40

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.