Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
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I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
How to wake up a Beagle
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Care for your back
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?