College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
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There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.