I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
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Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…