Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.

[sitting in van]

Robber 1: Ready?

Robber 2: Let’s do this!

Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.

swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME

If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

*me at Target*

“Hey baby, you want some of this?”

*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*

Her: *calls security*

~Flirting is so hard

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING

Talk to your kids about drugs.

Maybe they have better connections than you.

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!

Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.

I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work