I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
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Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
The legends were true
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie