I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.