Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.

Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Who did it better?

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”

ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs

A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.

My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes