I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
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My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*files a restraining order against reality*
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Follow me for more fitness tips.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Every house has this drawer
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG