I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
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Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”