I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
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*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN