Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

My warrants are pretty outstanding.

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert

A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”