Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

Today’s tshirt

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

That was easy.

Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like