I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
The struggle is real.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
WHY?!
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
