I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
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A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Watson was Holmes schooled
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
My work’s 401K has four levels of risk/return. I signed up for the riskiest level that invests only in timeshares and lottery tickets. You have to spend money to make money.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?