Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.

my sentiments exactly

When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way

When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph

Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.

ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol

CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.

THERAPIST: Anyways—

ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”

THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.