Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

[kicks in your door to apologize to you]

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.

In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.

My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.

Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now