Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.

“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

🙀🙀🙀😹

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

[taking the last bite of a big meal]

date: what would you like to do next

me: poop

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.

Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs

There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!

* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *

My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*