@PlainTravis

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

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@hand_jive

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

@Cpin42

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

@AnnietheNanny1

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

@climaxximus

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

@simoncholland

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

@AbbieEvansXO

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

@badAzz_mom

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

@LetMeStart

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

@HanaMichels

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.