I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

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Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.


COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad


I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.


cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god


A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.


DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now


Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.


My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.


I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.