I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
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What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates