Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

this meeting could have been a push down the stairs

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

haha same

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

First Date:

Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?

Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)

Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!