I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
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I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.