I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
You Might Also Like
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.