I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon

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When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.


“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.


If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*


“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.


Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian


*puts it in perspective

Perspective: Wrong hole.


I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.


I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.


As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.