@bfrosty04

I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon

You Might Also Like

@DrakeGatsby

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

@ThisOneSayz

Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*

@bngzyface

[Being murdered]

Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.

@BadMikeyBad

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

@aveuaskew

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

@funflaps

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well

@1followernodad

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

@TweetPotato314

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.