@DrakeGatsby
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
@bfrosty04
I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon
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@DrakeGatsby
@ThisOneSayz
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
@bngzyface
[Being murdered]
Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.
@BadMikeyBad
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
@aveuaskew
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
@funflaps
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
@ItsAndyRyan
Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well
@1followernodad
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
@TweetPotato314
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.