Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@dave_cactus

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

@SnarkyMommy78

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

@Michael1979

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

@muffathukka

“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”

– me whenever my wife sings while driving.

@Sickayduh

Even the most racially sensitive person you know gets a little skeptical when the chef at a Chinese restaurant isn’t Asian

@jergarl

*puts it in perspective

Perspective: Wrong hole.

@PhilosophyMttrs

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

@13spencer

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

@ricsem

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.