I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon

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[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*


Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?

Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange

Me: *pulls sunglasses back*

LF: security!

Me: *runs*


[Being murdered]

Me: Thank you for getting me out of doing the laundry.


Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise


Is this one haunted?
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!


Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.


Me: I get no support from my wife, even when doing the crossword
Therapist: I hope you don’t get too down
Me: Oh God, Doc, you as well


best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!


Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.